Curating Your Vinyl Collection

Loved Ones, it goes without saying that each and every one of you is as passionate about la musique as Freya and I. Without music, as the Bard once said, mankind would crumple to dust, and birds fall shrieking from the blood-red sky. Though you may grow disheartened with the prevalence of Compact Disques and Portable Media Players, a true audiophile knows that vinyl is the only way to enjoy this art form. Freya and I have a over five thousand records in our humble three-bedroom flat, a collection that not only inspires us with its euphony, but proves useful in every aspect of our daily lives.


Fêtes: While grimy frat boys are “bumping” and “grinding” to the unsophisticated beats of “hip-hop,” your guests are in for a sublime surprise. Get the party started with ebullient favorites Organ Freakout and Disco Noel (feat. Jingle Bell Rock). Warning: keep a Waterford Crystal bowl of rosemary-infused ice on hand to relieve overheated dancers.

Wraps: Records have less than thirty calories apiece, and soften quickly when placed in a 500-degree wood-burning oven.

Knives: Carry a bottle of pepper spray, and you might as well wear a pin pronouncing “GUTTERSNIPE!” Instead, ward off attackers with style by smashing a record over one dainty, pale knee, and using the ensuing shards as knives, miniature axes, or shanks (whichever is most appropriate for the occasion).

Race: Diversify your collection by seeking out an original pressing of Indian Giver, or frolic to the evergreen title track of Stoop Down Baby…Let Your Daddy See. It’s always important to make your Ethnic friends feel at home.

Millinery: Stand out from the blasé hordes by wearing a bare record at a jaunty angle over the forehead. Secure with a hatpin.

The Boudoir: Nothing exudes sensuality and good taste as well as a lady clad only in vinyl. String two of your most expensive records together with twine for a simple yet erotic brassiere.

Making Friends: Record stores are a vital place to see and be seen. Gauge your audience carefully, and browse the sections most calculated to impress. Genres to avoid: country, crunk, “gangsta rap.” Genres to browse: Italo-Disco, ambient minimalism, and lowercase.

Invisibility: While your friends battle each other to find the most obscure records, smile affectionately and let them have their fun. When the dust settles, sashay over to your custom-built wall-to-wall record shelves and pull out an imaginary record. Silence will fall. All eyes will be on you. Hum nonchalantly, place the record on your turntable, and drop the needle. You have become a connoisseur.